Ronaldo was still great even when he had “accelerated evacuations”

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John Birdsall Social Issues Photo Library - Health

The Spoiler can say with some certainty that there will have been a moment in your adult life when you’ve thought ‘bloody hell, I’m a fully grown adult and I’m actually going to go to the toilet in my trousers.’ Horrible, innit?

You may have been stuck on the posh London underground, on a bus, or maybe you just couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed. Whatever the scenario, it’s gonna be embarrassing. People may look at you, but you’ll never be able to look at yourself again.

So imagine how worrisome it must be if you get that rumbling in your stomach standing in front of thousands of people. With all their eyes glued on you…

The Real Ronaldo (everyone likes him being called that, yes?) was playing in the 1999 Copa America when… Actually, we’ll let former Brazil boss, Vanderlei Luxemburgo take up the story.

Speaking in Spanish paper, Marca, he said:

“Ronaldo was overweight coming into the 1999 Copa America so we tried to help him lose a few kilos. The Doctor prescribed him with something called Xenical which was effective but accelerated evacuations.

“Therefore, to avoid incidents he was forced to wear nappies. El Fenómeno had complained a lot about having to play in these conditions but let me remind everyone that he scored goals like he always did and went on to be top scorer in the tournament which we won.”

A bit gross, but completely commendable. Well done, Mr Ronaldo.

God he was great.

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