Ray Wilkins’ Real Madrid v Spurs commentary – in book form!


There have been some pretty good books written down the years – Crime and Punishment is the best 700 pages you’ll ever read about someone tw*tting someone with a hammer, while Jamie’s 30-Minute Meals is a revolutionary approach to cooking good food fast.

However, should someone choose to put into print Ray Wilkins’ commentary from last night’s game between Real Madrid and Tottenham, we may have a new contender for The Greatest Book Ever Written.

Thankfully, for some lucky publisher out there, The Spoiler has already done most of the work for you…

However, there was so much linguistic gold spouted from the gob of Wilkins last night that we missed certain bits. There was definitely a bit when he praised Spurs’ defending at corners despite the first two goals coming from what looked very much like corners.

Anyway, we present to you, without further ado, a William Burroughs-style cut-up…


“I wish to dedicate my first novel to Tottenham Hotspur. WE tried so hard. WE got so far but, in the end, it doesn’t even matter. WE’LL be back though. Crouchy and that.”


“If Tottenham score a goal that will literally be worth its weight in gold.”

CHAPTER ONE – The Revelation

“It’s important that they keep the ball and maintain possession of the ball.”

“Keep the ball… Enjoy the ball and have fun with it.”

“It’s ball retention you must retain possession of the ball… They are trying to retain it but cannot retain possession of the ball comfortably.”

“It’s vitally important that Tottenham keep the ball.”

“They’ve got to keep the ball Tottenham, if they give Real Madrid the ball they are going to be dangerous.”

“They’ve got to keep good possession as much as they possibly can.”

“Unfortunately you must try and retain possession of the ball.”

“This is given away by Tottenham because they haven’t tried to keep possession.”

CHAPTER TWO – The Journey

“The important part is to stay on your feet .”

“They’re staying on their feet, not going to the floor and that’s vitally important.”

“If he stays on his feet there’s no problem … Stay on your feet.”

[After Spurs go 2-0 down] “This is a tough night now for Tottenham, they have to stay on their feet.”

“You must stay on your feet, if you go to the floor you will give away a penalty kick.”

“It doesn’t matter where you play on the field of play you have to stay on your feet at this level because as soon as you go to the floor you give a free kick away the next one you will be red carded.”

CHAPTER THREE – The Bombshell

“This is a talented Real Madrid side.”

“This is not easy against a side of such quality.”

“Xabi Alonso – Liverpool have missed him immensely because he is a wonderful player.”

“Crouch off – This is tough. Madrid are full of world class players.”

“With the one extra player it has been so tough for Tottenham to get their game going.”

“Ronaldo is a tricky customer.”

“Ronaldo – he’s got two great feet… He’s one hell of a dangerous guy.”

“My word Ronaldo does look quite impressive.”

“You must make sure that ball gets past the first defender from corners.”

“When you’re playing in such an environment it’s very difficult.”


“Tottenham will feel they have a real uphill task.”

“This is a big period now for Tottenham, they have to keep this down to two.”

“This is a tough period for Tottenham.”

“These are the most difficult periods when you’ve got this pressure coming upon you.”

CHAPTER FIVE – The Psychosis

“It’s the first booking that gives him the second one.”

“I’ve got to say that to get away with that in such a hostile environment you’ve got to count your chickens

“They’ve done well, but the inevitable is there.”

“It was a rash challenge but not as harsh as one would have thought.”

“Had Peter stayed on they may have had the opportunity to score the away goal they deserve.”

“I’m convinced if Peter had stayed on the pitch Tottenham would have scored.”