Ex-Prem player to become Hollywood star

Proof that awful hair doesn’t harm a film career


Of all the players on the current LA Galaxy roster, one would expect David Beckham to be the first to break into Hollywood. However, follicle-artist Abel Xavier, who previously made crowds titter at Everton, Liverpool and Middlesbrough, has beaten him to it.

Xavier will star as a hitman in the forthcoming (straight-to-DVD) release Without Fear. His character is a vicious killer, turned evil by a childhood experience involving his mother and a rogue gang of goat herders, who is seeking revenge on an internal affairs agent whose great grandfather put a curse on his family that means Xavier can only communicate through a complicated system of clapping. All the while, he must pull off hits to raise funds for the puppy injury clinic that will be bulldozed and turned into a sweatshop if he doesn’t act. Will he triumph as a renegade maverick with a heart of gold? Find out soon!

(This could be the plot of the film, or maybe it’s just the outline of the screenplay I’ve secretly been working on for months and have unsuccessfully submitted to every studio going. It’s hard to say.)

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