Oh God! Peter, what did you do?
If you happen to see yourself as more of a broadsheet kind of guy/gal, you mightn’t have heard the news – Peter Crouch had it off with a hooker.
Yes. You read that correctly. Peter Crouch – football’s gentleman, natural heir to the Jamie “Jarhead” Redknapp mantle of monogamy and sophistication – paid £800 to have sex with a prostitute, even though he’s going out with Abbey Clancy, who might just be the most beautiful woman in Liverpool since Atomic Kitten became all old/pregnant.
Anyway, reports from today’s Sun suggest that Clancy hasn’t taken to the idea of her fiancee smearing his long spider-like hands all over a 19-year-old hooker’s expensive naked body very well, and their love story is now in the balance.
With that in mind, The Spoiler thought it worth remembering/examining some of the good times. All of which appear to have happened on the same day.
Can they get past this whorish bump in the road? Draw your own conclusions, and let us know what you think with a comment.
The time they shared a sun lounger
As physical representations of true love go, they don’t come much more emphatic than two young lovers sharing a sun lounger together. Him legs akimbo, her squeezed sensually between his long spindly thighs. Some might notice from the weather that they are probably on holiday. In Sardinia to be precise.
Abbey gives Peter a pedicure
Of course, the hideous mobs of WKD drinkers out there can forever be overheard equating the perfect relationship to a rude sex act taking place during Match of the Day. But don’t listen to those godawful pillocks. Above is a picture of Abbey and Peter enjoying the Middle England Version of this particularly cretinous fantasy – a pedicure whilst reading the Daily Mail.
Abbey notices how long Crouchie’s legs are
It’s important to study your lover’s body. Become accustomed to their oddities, their unusual folds of skin, their mismatched breasts. Or, in the case of Abbey and Peter, his astonishing legs, which are so long and thin that even a pair of the world’s tightest skinny jeans would end up looking like hip hop trousers. Above, Abbey can be seen trying to figure out how he scores so many goals with such weird equipment.
Oh, those romantic walks!
When you’re not making love or resting up in between making love and then making love again, it’s a good idea to get to know your girl/boyfriend. What makes them tick? Do they have any interesting hobbies or views about things? You can find out by either going somewhere public for dinner and a conversation, or by enjoying a quick stroll to the nearby swimming pool. Back in the happier times before he decided to boff a hooker, Crouchie and Clancy once definitely did the latter (pictured).
The relaxing head massages
The above picture is particularly painful to look at, as it shows Abbey massaging Peter’s brain just a few short weeks ago. The very same brain that decided to splash out 1000 Euros to ignore his non-single status, and have frenzied intercourse with a girl called Monica.
Now, here’s a Photoshop version of a moving montage of Abbey Clancy…