Cristiano Ronaldo to sign for Real Madrid!

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The big news today is that it is officially the most meltiest hot day ever known to mankind – or, at least, it feels that way. And in other smoldering news, Ronaldo will be lining up for Real Madrid next year…

Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid
The loud clamour coming from sunny Spain is that Cristiano Ronaldo has already met with Real Madrid’s Director of Football and agreed to play for the La Liga winners next season. It would, of course, be the biggest scoop of the summer, probably breaking big transfer records. You heard it here first (or second if you read the Spanish press, clever cloggs).

Thierry Henry to Absolutely Anywhere
Anyone who saw the aftershow chit-chat following last night’s Real Madrid/ Barcelona drubbing already knows that at Barca they have an enormous list of players who they don’t want any more (according to the terrifying satanic voice of Henk ten Cate). One of those is Thierry Henry. He will be off.

Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester City 
Manchester City are ready to offer £32 million for Berbatov, and will be hoping to tempt him with their long winters, non-Champions League football, and eccentric owner who has a reassuringly itchy trigger finger. Good luck, guys.

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar to Manchester United 

As if the gentlemen of Man United haven’t scored enough goals, the word is that now they’re after another striker to sit on the bench feeling really flat and disgruntled while Tevez and Rooney hug on the pitch after another great score. Huntelaar of Ajax could be just that guy.

Eidur Gudjohnsen to Portsmouth

Next season Eider is planning a big Premier League return, with Portsmouth top of the list of clubs willing to put up with his endless anecdotes about how they did things at Barcelona.

Stephen Hunt to Sunderland 
It so nearly happened in January, but apparently the very split second that Reading are relegated, Roy Keane will leap up and start throwing money at them for Stephen Hunt.

Zoltan Gera to Newcastle
Ignoring that no man in their right mind would ever want to play for Newcastle, Keegan is still intent on grabbing West Brom trickster Gera’s face and repeating “you do want to come here” until he does.

Sergio Ramos to Chelsea 
Peter Kenyon didn’t bother with the flowers, the poetry, the stolen kisses. Instead he’s asked Abramovich to lend him a load of money for Sergio Ramos and he’ll probably get it – sometimes actions speak louder than flirting, Peter.

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