Andriy Voronin hates England

Rich Liverpool striker complains about his charmed life

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Andriy Voronin has taken time out of his busy schedule of buying hideous clothing to let rip about his miserable life in the north of England. The Ukrainian told a Russian newspaper:

“Compared with Germany, England is far behind in terms of comfort and culture”

According to Voronin, Germany is also a wonderful land without crime, where people leave their gingerbread houses unlocked when they go and play at the Gumdrop Lake in the Happy Forest. Not like nasty smelly horrible England:

“Five out of the seven houses near us are occupied by footballers. Steve Gerrard was burgled recently so a police patrol car comes into our compound fairly often.

“We hear police sirens all the time. Leverkusen, by contrast, was so much quieter.”

Hellbent on getting booed at his next home appearance, Andriy went on to criticise the Scouse accent:

“[Learning]English isn’t the main problem. The main thing is to learn to understand the local players like Gerrard and Carragher.

“They speak with some peculiar local accent and sometimes I have absolutely no clue what the guys are saying. Many foreign players have the same problem.”

And finally, Voronin simply cannot tolerate all the free healthcare this country is giving him:

“The medical services here are poor. When I was in Germany, there were lots of good clinics and doctors.”It is nothing like that here – when our child had a skin allergy we waited hours for the doctor to see him.

“When we finally got to see a doctor, he said he didn’t know how to treat children and to try rubbing in this ointment.

“That was it. I was stunned. As a result my wife had to go back to Odessa with him and took a full set of tests there.”

Frankly, I’m shocked. Not so much about the pony-tailed one’s pining for Germany, but the fact that a Premier League striker who earns obscene amounts doesn’t have private healthcare. Taking the frugal route and using the NHS, eh Andriy? Thanks for believing in the socialist ideal.

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