5 reasons why Ashley Cole should go to Real Madrid

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Joke never gets old…


The big news on the football grapevine is that Jose Mourinho is so keen to land Ashley Cole that he’s named him “number one target”, or some such.

Below you’ll find five good reasons why Ashley should probably go. Feel free to add your own in the comments section (do try to keep it clean!)…. 

1. No one will know about him, the puking, and the hairdresser

The archive devoted to Ashley Cole’s most appalling moments is pretty much brimming over, but lurking somewhere near the bottom – in the gunk – is the time that he banged a hairdresser, puked, then carried on. Yes, everyone’s been there. But not everyone was married to Cheryl Cole at the time – she’s a PRINCESS. And, whilst it’s not remotely related, now she’s got Malaria. Nice one Ashley!

2. The Spanish don’t hate him… yet

Many would argue that Ashley Cole is simply a victim of technology. If it weren’t for things like mobile phones, Blackberry’s, conversations, cameras, “lifestyle” websites, and the universal ability of people of all ages to have opinions, he might actually seem like a really nice guy. Unfortunately, he’s reportedly developed a rather tawdry habit of cyber-sending hot pictures of himself to girls who need money from tabloids to get their boobs done. And he didn’t exactly help himself when he texted a mate to complain that all English people are bastards. Spain, however, might actually like him for that.

3. He’ll have a whole new flock of glamour girls to arrogantly smear his hamster-like hands over

Weirdly, despite everything, Ashley Cole doesn’t seem to have any problems persuading women to have sexual intercourse with him. But, even so, the prospect of sweeping up the leftovers from Cristiano Ronaldo’s sexy reign could be too tempting for a man so full of lust to resist.

4. “Cashley” doesn’t really translate in Spanish

Unlike most other countries, the English don’t opt for complimentary nicknames – they tend to either be designed to gently mock the recipient, or they’re totally full of hatred. To jog your memory, Cashley earnt his moniker shortly after making it clear that his bulbous football wage at Arsenal was too lowly for someone so deserving as him. An entire nation chose to disagree, and now he gets booed at football matches and weddings.

5. He would probably be really good at Real Madrid

Whether you loathe him or hate him, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that Ashley Cole is still a magnificent footballer – one of the best around. His style of play would suit La Liga, and with a bit of time apart, the people of England might yet learn to appreciate him as just another in a long line of “flawed geniuses”. A long shot, but worth a go.

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