10 Footballers who wouldn’t visit prostitutes

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If you’d asked The Spoiler a month or so ago to name one footballer who definitely wouldn’t reach into his pocket to score some cheap sex with a proz, the name Peter Crouch would have been at the top of the list.

Now – not so much. With that in mind, The Spoiler’s collective mind has been whirring, desperately trying to come up with a list of footballers who definitely wouldn’t pay for it. It’s much harder than you’d think. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments section…

Michael Owen – too serious. A hunch suggests that Michael Owen would be put out just buying a round of drinks for a table for two, let alone forking out for a dirty leg up.

Theo Walcott – too polite. Possibly terrified of his own genitals.

Kaka – too religious. Were Kaka to somehow find himself in the company of a hooker, it would only be to talk at length about the path to redemption.

Craig Bellamy – too opinionated. Regardless of his maverick nature, it’s hard to imagine Craig Bellamy being remotely impressed by a young lady looking to dole out cheap thrills for hard cash. Jog on, love.

Sol Campbell – too sensitive. Sol has the look of a man who likes to curl up into a ball and weep after sex. Most prostitutes wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behaviour.

Paul Scholes – too shy. It hardly requires a mountain of self-confidence to visit a hooker, but something about Paul Scholes suggests that he would even struggle to buy a grotty magazine without totally freaking out and sprinting home to shout at himself in the mirror.

Dirk Kuyt – too normal. Kuyt’s wife, Gertrude, broke the WAG mould when she kept on her nursing job after marrying the handsome Liverpool winger/striker/midfielder. And, like his wife, Dirk’s just not the type.

James Milner – too focused. With a face that belongs in a comic strip about the army, were an opportunist hooker to have a crack at James Milner, he/she would be met with total bewilderment. He would be paying for WHAT now?

Petr Cech – too nice. Unlike most of the strutting peacocks in the Premier League, Petr Cech seems like the kind of man who could be left alone with your wife/girlfriend without suggesting a quick shag.

Owen Hargreaves – too injury prone. So unlucky, Owen Hargreaves presumably sits still for hours on end, petrified by the thought of causing further damage to his fragile body. Would rampant sex for money honestly be worth losing a testicle for?

Any more for any more?

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