10 Footballers who should really be in bands

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Can you spot the footballer?

(left to right) JB, Marvin Humes, Oritse Williams and Aston Merrygold of JLS with the award for British Single, at the BRIT Awards 2010, at Earls Court, London.Sometimes looks can be very deceiving. Were you to spot Jan Molby and Matt Le Tissier on your local high street, you wouldn’t have them down as magnificent footballers. Similarly, Arjen Robben and Dirk Kuyt look like they work in the same call centre.

And so it is that after the jump. there are ten footballers who look more like band members than sportsmen…  

Lionel Messi, The Monkees

** FILE ** In this June 4, 1967 file photo, The Monkees, from left: Mike Nesmith, Davy Jones, Peter Tork and Micky Dolenz pose with their Emmy award at the 19th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards in Calif. Peter Tork said Thursday, March 5, 2009 that he has a rare form of head and neck cancer, but the prognosis is good. (AP Photo)

No matter that he’s the greatest 21st Century player going, Lionel Messi’s haircut is a fitting homage to the dreamy pop groups of the 1960s. He has something of a young Brian Wilson about him, but everyone knows how that weird little story ends. Hence, he’d probably be more at home as a member of The Monkees.

Antonio Valencia, The Jacksons

This undated file picture from the 1980s shows US singer and songwriter Michael Jackson (C) with his brothers Tito (L-R), Randy, Jackie, Jermaine and Marlon. The brothers were members of the soul band 'Jackson Five' (later: 'The Jacksons') which had been established by their father Joseph Jackson in 1965 and celebrated its greatest successes in the 1970s. Michael Jackson, the self-appointed 'King of Pop', died unexpectedly on 25 June 2009, aged only 50. According to the authorities, he was pronounced dead by the doctors at the UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles at 14.26 local time.

For all of his aggressive attacking play, Valencia still has the boyish, sensitive look of a Jackson. You can almost hear him talking with that same ”frightened mouse” voice that seems to be a Jackson staple. Unfortunately, those who have actually heard him speak will have already endured that particular illusion shattered. Yes, Valencia’s voice has broken.

Jamie Redknapp, Take That

(L-R) Memeber of Take That Jason Orange, Gary Barlow, Howard Donald and Mark Owen arriving for the 2009 GQ Men of the Year Awards at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.

Redknapp has navigated exactly the same path from teeny heart-throb to smouldering 30something hunk that the various members of Take That have trodden over the last few years. And, like the band, he likes to wear smart – but rather fitted – trousers, whilst simultaneously staring at an object in the middle distance. If that little one who loves his grog and women doesn’t get better in time, Redknapp might yet make for an ample replacement.

Joey Barton, Small Faces


For everything that is eyebrow-raising about Joey Barton, he has been known to employ some wonderful barbers. At the height of his punching-people-in-the-face controversy, he wouldn’t have looked out of place in the brilliant 1960s Mod outfit, Small Faces. That is his only “plus side”.

Kolo Toure, The Crusaders


With his magnificent beard, were you to pop a stubby cigar in his mouth and hand him some army gear, Kolo Toure would make for a wonderful revolutionary. And yet, without the cigar, he has the look of a minor member of a popular jazz-funk band from the 1970s. Such as The Crusaders (above).

Dimitar Berbatov, Spandau Ballet

Spandau Ballet appearing on a TV game show.

Back in the 1980s, nearly everyone in a pop group looked a bit like Dimitar Berbatov – he has their same angular bone structure and greased-back hairstyle. Hence, give him a little bit of eye liner, a few highlights and a kilt, and he’d be very much at home on one of those piano/guitar things for Spandau Ballet.

Theo Walcott, JLS

(left to right) JB, Marvin Humes, Oritse Williams and Aston Merrygold of JLS with the award for British Single, at the BRIT Awards 2010, at Earls Court, London.

The latest pop sensations, JLS drive young girls absolutely berserk with their impressive dance moves, and songs about kissing. And yet they also appear to pay a similar attention to detail to their various grooming rituals as Arsenal’s Theo Walcott. If things implode, he could replace one of the ones that isn’t the main one, and no one would ever notice.

Gennaro Gattuso, Fleet Foxes


If you haven’t heard of the Fleet Foxes, that’s probably because you’re not the kind of person who likes to spend Friday nights eating pasta-based dishes, drinking a few red wines, catching up on Later with Jools Holland, and wondering if you’ve still got what it takes to fit in at “Glasto”. But here’s the deal – they all look like Gattuso. Or he looks like them. Either way…

Carles Puyol, Iron Maiden

English heavy metal band Iron Maiden promote up and coming single 'Be Quick Or Be Dead'.

Despite inhabiting a world where footballers receive constant fashion advice, and are gifted with free haircuts, Carles Puyol still likes to follow Heavy Metal trends from over twenty years ago. Put him on guitar, turn it up to ”eleven”, and he’d look terrific in Iron Maiden. Just lovely.

John Terry, 5ive

Five celebrate with their MTV Select Award. L-R; Sean, Jay, Ritchie, Abs and Scott.

Yeah, you might think that JT is a little too tainted and vile to make it in a dreamy boyband, but you probably just haven’t considered 5ive as an option. An equally impossible-to-like gaggle of spikey-haired cretins, a hunch suggests that were they not locked in a recording studio, they too would be attempting to have it off with most of their friends’ wives/girlfriends.

Any more for any more?

Let us know who you think would look better in a band in the comments section…