God! They’re beautiful!
In guaranteed employment terms, getting in on with a footballer is like getting A levels, a degree, a masters and a PHD all in one go. One minute, you’re wondering where your next penny is coming from, the next you’re oscillating between a perfume making lab, a sexy autographed knicker factory, and barking your latest children’s book in a stream of consciousness to a bewildered ghost writer.
Yes sir, the life of a football wife or girlfriend is a blessed one. And after the jump, you’ll find ten beautiful ladies who wouldn’t look out of place joining the ranks of these large breasted giants amongst men…
Frankie Sandford (with the short Posh Spice hair)
As a general rule, at least one girlband member is under contract to allow a headline grabbing football A-lister to urinate around her to mark his territory, and according to one very excited member of the vast sprawling Spoiler offices, Frankie from The Saturdays has recently called time on her deep spiritual love journey with the zany one from McFly. Play her cards right, and she could be the next Posh Spice. His words.
One of the more popular breasts-out models, if Keeley really wants to go stratospheric as a perfumier/fashion designer/children’s author, she would be wise to navigate the same road to success that Katie “Jordan” Price trod to riches. A good start would be by providing a vessel for a footballer’s baby. Then, after that, she can write a book about it. She was once linked with Joe Cole in a confusing story about fighting.
Make no mistake about it, X Factor madwoman Katie Waissel isn’t going anywhere. Even it involves knocking on every door in the country and demanding that you buy her pop song, she will absolutely do it. But, if Katie is looking for a lifetime of discount club membership and constant attention on the quick, one short cut would be to pester one of the shyer footballers into loving her. Try Park Ji Sung.
Fans of the Channel 4 homage to the movies of Russ Meyer, Hollyoaks, will know all about this lady. She plays a stern police officer, modelled on Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect. Only with much larger norks. In real life, Gemma could have gifted herself a solid decade of jacuzziing and free tanning by honing in on one of football’s many horny millionaires. Instead, she’s marrying a non-footballer sometime next year. How very gauche.
Kelly has famously dipped a toe into the world of sport dating, but that was with a rugby player – the bad boy of English rugger, Danny Cipriani. A man who really puts the “oi oi” in “hoity toity”. The shocking whisper on the grapevine is that she was recently spotted at some showbiz drink up prodding the boggier areas of the gene pool with a turd stained stick when she openly flirted with one of the bubble-brains from that Essex programme. A rare example in which a footballer would make for a massive intellectual upgrade.
Hannah and Kara Tointon
To lump these two together is doing a massive disservice to the Al Pacino and Robert De Niro of UK soap operas, but The Spoiler has a valid reason for doing so – they’re sisters! Not since the emergence of the Minogues in the latter stages of the last millennium has one sex conundrum reached such Sophie’s Choice proportions. Either one of these foxes would look absolutely perfect attached to Ashley Cole’s expensive, hairless arm.
For those who would much rather watch presenters clumsily constructing absurd political arguments from the top of their heads on Live From Studio Five, Alex is on the other channel, playing the part of the new Christine Bleakley on The One Show. Like Christine, she has hair as silky and dark as a crow’s smoking jacket, and like Christine she has a foreign accent – Welsh. Plus, like Christine, she would be a WAG with an actual job.
Had fate not decreed that Kerry Katona would be attracted only to salt of the earth binmen, sparkies, plumbers, and members of Westlife, it could have all been so so different. She could have bagged herself a nice tidy footballer, and found herself excitedly ironing her hair on a Friday night with her fellow scouse princesses Danielle Lloyd, Alex Gerrard, and Abbey Clancy. As it is, she appears to spend her time insisting that she’s really turned a corner this time, before behaving exactly like someone who has just that very minute taken some drugs.
Like everyone else, The Spoiler was hyperventilating with happiness when it turned out that Kate Middleton was going to make an honest woman of herself by finally marrying Prince William. But then we got to thinking – who is the real Queen of England? Is it Elizabeth? Or is it former football wife Cheryl Cole? As it turns out, Kate might be travelling totally the wrong route if she really wants to be the people’s princess. One option could be to ditch William and have a bash at James Milner?
Bar a brief flirtation with Scottish football’s James Bond, Ally McCoist, foxy actress Patsy Kensit has pretty much stuck to rock and roll stars, and frankly, it hasn’t gone too well. She was recently quoted paraphrasing the Olympic rower Steve Redgrave, when she said that if she ever looks like she’s going to climb into a wedding dress again, please, someone grenade her. Anyway, a fine looking woman in the Indian Summer of her life, there’s still time to plug that Cheryl Cole shaped hole. So to speak.
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